My Own Interpretation

make me think that maybe I won’t die aloooone

Omnomnom Good birthday! Dx< <3333 The week itself was pretty awesome and I got to hang with all my babies. One of them keeps telling me something I’m not sure I wanna hear, but even that’s nice. I guess part of me likes hearing it, but uh…YEA ANYWAY. Everything was awesome and full of love. We had more bubble parties (and Colin fucking went through the entire vile in one day) and I got a ton of amazing photos. <3 Unfortunately there was a few issues during the week aaaand I think I’m gonna go back to looking into anxiety meds. It’s been really bad lately and my chest keeps getting tight. I was crying for a few days straight and walked out of class Thursday and told Nicole to just call me when it was over. I ended up curling up on an ugly chair until Colin took me back to his house to sleep until the class ended and I had half a mind to ask to go to the emergency room, but once I calmed down, I could breath again. <>;;;; I’ve had worse attacks, but I don’t wanna start this again. I was just happy I had so much help throughout Thursday since it was the worst that day and pretty much all better by Friday minus the tight chest. Friday of course kicked the most ass. <3 We didn’t get to go to Fire and Ice, but Grim and Nicole took me out and we got noms and went shopping. Nicole was nice about the fact that the plans got so messed up and said she’d take me another time. ;_; And then later on that night, I drove to Fall River and brought Colin to see WTWTA finally and was happy to see he loved it as much as I did. And then we went to fuckin’ Al Mac’s at midniiiight! D8< Best place to eat, man. I can’t put my finger on it, but eating there in the middle of the night….yea…I don’t know, but it’s so much cooler than in the morning. Lol It felt like a very epic beginning to a long road trip that we didn’t have the balls to take. God, it’d be so nice to go through with it though. Just upping and leaving for a bit and maybe trying to get to New York or just somewhere cool. cc; Maybe during break and with more friends since I think we’ve all wanted to have a road trip since like….before summer, yea?

Anyway, Saturday kind of sucked since I didn’t get to do anything and got nothing done, work-wise. Sunday has been awesome though since I went and saw Fiddler on the Roof with Uncle Lou and the others. <333 I love seeing him. QQ We obsessed over Spring Awakening and all that and I told him I’d lend him Benjamin Button since it’s a movie everyone has to see. But yea, it’s been a great birthday. I’m kind of pissed about one thing and I wanna confront it eventually, but whatever for now. I just hate seeing people take bad turns and I don’t like the alienation.

OH! AND I GOT A JOB. YES. FINALLY. Lol, I hate talking religious on here or around anywhere where friends that bash me will see, but daaaamn behold the powah o’ prayer. c___c; That job like….had no intention of taking me for a fucking season, nevermind for good. First they didn’t want me and then they said maybe for Christmas and then the chick was saying I wouldn’t get hired for anything past Christmas since there was no room and she pretty much told me I didn’t get the job as I was leaving. But after all that, I’m fuckin’ full time staff and she’s letting me work the schedule to my will! Seriously man, this is what I needed. Especially since now I’m on the adult list for Christmas in my family and have to do Secret Santa and all that.

LNJjdhehehrio So many things I wanna do. I’ve been playing Nation Red and it’s making me feel all badass. Now I wanna go see Zombieland again. D<;; The game fuckin’ makes me feel like Tallahassee. But yea, I wanna do stuff. I miss hanging with my best friend and I miss LEDGE so I need time with them both. Also wanna make time for more just…yea. Lol School keeps me there till dark. ;__; I wanna try and go places with the crew more.

Wow I’m tired. Lol Useless rambling.

Oh man, oh man! So far this has been the best birthday week eveeer! Dx< <3 Nomnomnom! So many nice things have happened! Monday was soooo awesome! <333 I got to see a bunch of people I love love love and we all jammed out in the art building with super bubbles that don’t pop and…yea it was just great. ;_; Yesterday was fabulous too (minus LEDGE but I ranted about that so much yesterday that it’s not even relevent now) and I got so much lovin’. LOL I keep getting happier and happier that Frank bought me Borderlands since it’s amazing and to top it off, all the blood sweat and tears Colin put into his account yesterday went to me for some reason so I now have all these awards and badass stats. <3___<3 Raaaagh Friday is gonna be so awesome too.

I’m really excited about my portfolio too! I didn’t think I’d ever get on track with it, but I’m really starting to get a go on it! I have some traditional still lifes done and I’ve been vectoring a lot or just fucking with photos on Illustrator for the lulz so I’m making progress. LOL I even have some Spring Awakening inspired stuff thrown in! 8D I wanna paint a picture of Moritz and Ilse relating to Blue Winds. And I’m really excited for the future. I try not to focus too much on it because I barely have money to eat, nevermind get to my next step in school, but I just feel really secure. Jason was so proud of my last few projects and said he can see me going into my planned career and then to make that even better, Jay said that when I graduate from college, there’ll be a place for my in MoonNerd or the place he’s working right now. c__c; It’s scary and exciting at the same time. He really CAN get me into it so…yea..I can’t slack off and I hope my plans don’t take any dramatic turns. I doubt they will since I’m doing what I’ve wanted to do for most of my life.

*cry* I haven’t had a lot of time to draw my OCs or RP or anything though. ;_; Hell, I’ve barely been online. I mostly draw NPH and stuff for school these days lol. It feels so weird having a life! I knew college would be different, but seriously. I’m like…surrounded by people that legit love each other and I can trust. c___c I’ve never felt so in place before. And like…I don’t even know. I have my high school friends and new friends and some of them are crazy as shit and the others just think I’M crazy as shit and people actually ask me to talk about Christianity or go on about Cowboy Bebop or just awesome things and…yea. It’s just great. One of my friends that barely ever talked to me at school suddenly started having heavy convos that can go on for hours and he carries my things for me and does all these cute things while we still beat the shit out of each other. 8D~ And my brother from another mother’s totally become like…one of the ultimate #1 men in my life. ;___; I don’t think I’ve ever been as attached to anyone else besides Grim so damn. He’s not QUITE there yet, but yea. He calls me his baby sister and shit and we’re just wicked close and…yea…It’s just so nice and he actually sits me down to have heart to hearts if anything at all is bothering me.  <3 I’ve got all these people and then my hand full of Attleboro friends and LEDGE friends and I need to make more time for Grizzle and I…just love being so active and then tired at night lol. I really miss my RP buddies though and just interwebz pals that I haven’t had chats with in a while though. QQ We all suck at IMing each other!

But yea…I don’t know why I’ve been thinking so much about it either, but just…I don’t know. Getting out really has made things better. I still have fucking massive anxiety attacks and get depressed and all, but things are just so much easier to handle. It’s just nice to have this after the people I’ve had to put up with between dA or role playing or Gaia or whatever else. I barely care about how fucking used I’ve been for the sake of people’s characters or to get stuff on dA. I still use dA, but I focus mostly on my friends on it and stopped watching the peeps that disappoint me and I just have my very small rp pack of mostly one and it’s totally worth it. I just hated always feeling so tossed around and like I had to compete for such dumb shit that I didn’t even want. Lol I feel like this sounds bitchy, but I honestly don’t mean that, I’m just happy. <>;;;;

Read some awesome books lately and am once again re-reading The Things They Carried while finally fucking getting to Porno as my main read. I wanted to read it so bad, but just as Grim let me borrow it, I realized I had to get books back to Nicole and other peeps. But yea! Porno and TTTC are my main focuses right now! Dx< Nomnom war stories. Colin and I have been fangirling over war shit a lot lately. I wanna rewatch We Were Soldiers and some others and dear lord, I want A Soldier’s Sweetheart SO BAD! Dx *crycry* WHY CAN’T I EVER FIND IT?! I swear, I am getting that movie for Christmas if it’s the last thing I do!

Blah okay gotta get ready to leave soon. Had a big anxiety attack early early this morning and wanted to get out the extra energy before I had to greet the day. QQ;;

Lol Sorry. :[; I promise next time’ll be something I didn’t fuck with on Illustrator or some NPH drawing.

*sob* Our microwave died! </3 God, I hate not having food when I need it. I really don’t wanna eat ramen today. cc; I’ll go out….soon…yea. God, between that and a number of annoying people being on my ass at once, today is really sucking. I’m getting worn out too by one thing. I feel horrible, but really, I’m human. The other….just…annoying….Bleh….Just general…so annoying. I’m tired of being stretched thin. You shouldn’t make me feel like a bad person just because I can’t balance a lot. I already self loath and hate myself for what I CAN handle.

Anyway! Despite today being so cruddy and starting off with a vent, things are going super! cc-b And this weekend is gonna kick asssss! Tonight, I have a party and then the rest of the weekend is just as badass. Not sure how Halloween is gonna roll, but we’ll be doing something. And my buddy Gadget is coming to Attleboro tomorrow and we’re gonna do a photo shoot. <3 After the shoot, he said he’d stick around for Halloween until he gets dragged away so I’m happy. I love my Inspector Gadget. Gonna have to drive back to Fall River to get beau, but that’s okay. I’ll at least get driven around by Gadget for the first part of the day.  But yea! I’m excited about being a model. I got to be a model for silhouettes yesterday and that was cool, but it’ll be actual pictures tomorrow and he said he’ll use me for more shoots hopefully. Lol it’s cool, but awkward. QQ; I’ve never really done much with pictures and now I’m helping a pro with his work. It’ll help boost the confidence though. I feel like my confidence has changed a lot. I rarely give a shit about the things that were bothering me before and feel above those things now and I…yea. Just taking good care of myself and being less shy. :[ <3 I’m still everyone’s emotional throw pillow that is dumb as nails though lol. Don’t get me wrong. Fuck man, every guy I know feels comfortable punching me and just goes “I know you won’t fight back. 8D” Surprisingly enough though, Enzo has actually stopped punching me….probably because my own beau and other guy friends sock me more than a boxer. L-Love is supposed to hurt though, right? *crycry* I don’t actually mind the rough housing though yo. :’/ <3

But yea, I’m excited about tomorrow and yesterday was nice. My math class was canceled so Nicole and I dicked around forever and then later after classes were done, I went back to Fall River with…the intention of going to see Where The Wild Things Are with Colin. >>; Lol That flopped so bad in so many ways. 1.) I had no money and a movie pass 2.) My movie pass did not work there 3.) He had even less money than me, assuming I meant I had two passes which…would make sense despite me only having one. So we lol’d and just went back to his house and watched Boondock Saints lol. :’/ That was pretty nice though since I got to curl up and all and hadn’t seen that movie in a while. Lol I think I slept through most of it though since one minute one thing is happening and the next thing I know, I’m lifting my head up and it’s near the end. I guess it was good I slept though since the movie ended at like….1am and I had to drive home…and I hate driving home tired. 8[; Scary shit. The night was nice though. <3 Lol I slept until forever today so it went nicely with my nap through gun shots. I had driven to Fall River the night before since he was bummed out and needed some company…That was painful. <>;;; I can’t drive while tired lol. Well I can…just don’t enjoy it.

And since I gotta say it….FJHWIUOefhIOWM SO EXCITED FOR MY BIRTHDAY! Dx <3333333333 I’m so. Fucking. Excited. NOMNOMNOM. For the first time in a long time, November 6 feels like an important day to meeee! Dx< LOL No one believes I’m gonna be 20 and I understand since….I look like a baby. But yea! It’s so exciting. This is the first birthday since I was little that people celebrated. ;____; <3333 Nicole’s taking me to fuckin’ FIRE AND ICE. And like….everyone’s asking me what I want and is getting ready for the big day and trying to find presents. Ashley’ll make me something and Colin got me those games and isn’t gonna work Friday and people keep bringing it up and hell, Frank just bought me Borderlands! <3_____<3 I had been talking about that with someone else earlier today so now I’m all excited and the best part is we can play together. Oh oh! And I get to see Fiddler on the Roof on the Sunday of my birthday weekend! Dx <3 I saw it once and have wanted to see it again ever since. Of course, that’s my Uncle Lou’s present to me. And I begged my friend Nic to sing for me for my bday. Lol This feels nice. ;_; I was actually getting yelled at because I wanted to skip celebrating. No one has ever really gotten me much or done anything and I’ve always been cool with it so to have people being all RAAAAGH EMILY’S 2o feels awesome. I do have to admit last year depressed me though. Nomnom I like feeling like this. I’m not used to being ordered to hold myself high. 8[; It’s just one day of the year, but YEA. *thrust* I can’t wait until I’m 21 though. I already know exactly what I wanna do. I’m gonna go to Mohegan with Grim and go to a Comedy Central Presents show! D<<< I’ve always wanted to. And I’ll finally get to hit the casinos! I’m not much of a gambler, but I honestly just wanna be able to go into them so I can hang out with Uncle Lou. He always feels bad because he comes to gamble, but doesn’t get to see me too much because of it. <333 He’s happy about it too and says I can keep him from getting pissy when he loses and fan over Spring Awakening with him and all.

Okay enough stalling and I’m less pissy. Gotta shower so I can go out and get food and get ready for tonight. </3 OH! And a last note?! Once again, I see a job in my near futuuuuure! c___c I hope. Mom knows the person that runs the shop and she needs help so…yea! Thank god.

LOL Fuck man! c___c; I installed my tablet onto my laptop? Haaaard as hell to draw. Gotta practice so shit doesn’t….look like shit.

ljfnslhfh I feel like curling up under a mountain of blankets. D;

Today was so fucking slow, I’m so lazy. Eh…Day kind of sucked. Every single plan that was down for today failed to happen. I’m super bummed about Fall Show, but I guess Sunday’s not too too bad. I just know it sucks compared to Saturday. But yea, my highschool’s having their Fall Show this weekend. cc; Jeez it snuck up on me. I’m excited for it though. Sad that I’m not taking any new hoes to it though. Ah well. Maybe next year? I’m curious to see how Landscaping made out this year. I hope Mr. Ryan and some other teachers are around. <3

Went out yesterday to hang with the crewwww. I don’t get to see my main bitch enough these days. *cry* We all went to see Where The Wild Things Are which was waaaaay different from what I was expecting, but in a good way. <3 It was really eerie and unsettling since it was so childishly innocent. I recommend it! I always hate when movies try to hard to get into the mind of a child and especially a hyper active one, but this was so…yea. Lol I loved Douglas so much. QQ <3 He was precious. And through the whole movie, Ashley kept snickering and making remarks that I was Alexander. He was the butt of the group that whined and got talked over lulz. They were all mostly cute, but for some reason I really liked Douglas. I’m probably gonna end up having to see it a second time since Colin was sad he got left behind so I’m excited. I’ve come to like seeing movies twice. *cry* I wanna see a movie with Ellie! Dx Lol And a side note? Max Records is adorable. The director said he was great to work with, but when it got to the scene where he gets all slimy, he refused to do it and put up a fight until the director agreed to slime up too with him. So cute lol. 8[

qkggfibwuhin Graaaagh Finally got Adobe on the lappy! I finished my project, but I’m worried about getting all my other work in. Just have to try not to panic. It’s little things and people keep offering to help me so hey. Angela’s not being too harsh with me thankfully. I think 2D’s going well, but I gotta stay on top of things. cc; My NPH pictures are being a bitch. Thankfully Nicole helped me avoid crying when I got too frustrated. And eifhoglxjuior3ux the bitch I hate heard me talking about my love and tried to bond by saying she was an NPH fan…while wearing a Katamari shirt. FML man! I hate people lul. </3 But yea, I have to get that done and I think she’ll figure out I don’t plan on making friends….I hope. *sob* I hate attracting re-res.

Blaaaagh so tired! Busy busy! Wanted to ramble more, but I made myself tired nice and quick. The day sort of sucked, but it wasn’t too bad and it ended on a good note–well….sort of TWO good notes, but one of them is just me being sappy, but the other involved moolah so yea.  Anyway…yea, I’ll shush lol. :[

Still not much art to show so here’s a tiny piece of shit. 8[ Just a piece so I don’t have to worry about copyright crap. Lol God I need vector practice so bad. I SHOULD VECTOR NPH LOLOLO.

How can it be that you’re ready for loooove–*shot*

Lol My crew makes me feel more and more degraded for my music every day. I’m glad I’m loved despite it. 8[

BUT ANYWAY. MAN OH MAN. THIS WILL MEAN NOTHING TO ANYONE THAT ACTUALLY STILL READS THIS BUT FKJFHWIOUOUHEWNIWUH. I was woken up by my amazing buddy Erica Jones this morning to be questioned about a high school friend and it turns out this high school friend used to talk about the both of us to each other all the time and we didn’t realize until just now. My highschool friend used to always go oooon and oooon about her friend Erica. Erica this, Erica that blah blaaaaah. I ususally tuned a lot she said out since she spoke weeaboo and would call her “Erica-Sensei” and all that, but it turns out that very Erica is the amazing, popular, fabulous girl that roams the halls of building H at BCC! Lol She suddenly realized I’m the same Emily that our friend always bitched about…I assume she bitched since I did nothing but lose my temper with her, but yea! Lol The dumbest thing in the world, but it made me lol so I have to flip out over it since…..it’s Erica Jones. You don’t even have to know her. Her name alone makes her sound like some badass you only wish you could know. D<<<<

Lol Anyway…Uh…Yea. Looong week, but it was fun. We’ve all been trying to take Beau out for his birthday and keep failing so maybe this weekend. :’/ The week itself has been fun though and has eased a lot of my woes. <3 Nomnomnomnom LOL And 2D has been ridiculous…but crazy. I don’t like making a full gradient portrait. We’ve been such assholes in that class though so it eases the pain. Jason’s such a riot and now I got him on FB ahahaha! D<<< Lol He seems like someone that would be awesome to be friends with. I think I’m one of his students that scares him, buuuut eh. He’s so cool lol. He printed out a bunch of black and white head shots of Paul Newman for anyone that didn’t bring in a black and white of their chosen celeb for our project and once he was done handing them out to the failures, he gave me and my friend Ashley all the left overs………so we drew mustaches on all of them and handed them back. He hung them all over the room and we took pictures. <3 I wish I could have  stuck around to see other classes’ reactions, but I can assume.

Lovelovelovelove Good week. <3 I hope this weekend’s just as good. Shit sucks at home and we’re dirt poor and mom’s been driving me mad, but all this other stuff has been making it so much better. My friend is coming home from Canada this weekend and wants to hang out today and I do hope I can spend some time with my beau before the long weekend’s over. EWKJfhieriuenhi I wish we had two cars. It limits what I can do. I plan on going out today, but again this weekend might piss mom off. She doesn’t have plans, but she doesn’t wanna commit to having no plans. Understandable, but it sucks. </3 I feel bad and wanna do something for his birthday since he went and bought me a bunch of games. QQ; Well if that happens, that happens and I just take him out after classes on Tuesday before LEDGE. And OMNOMNOM I get to be on time for LEDGE this week! Our classes are mixed from the long weekend so I get out earlier this week. I’ve been getting to LEDGE late and it always bums me out. cc;

Oh! And as said, I have new games! Lol I can’t believe I’ve had Steam all this time and never had more than Portal. I never have cash! D< I guess there was a sale last night though so he went and bought me a bunch and told me to fuckin’ play them. I gotrecommended Monkey Island so I’m eager to try that one. Looks so old school lol. <3 Lol If I don’t get to make any plans past today, at least I can stay home and dick around with my new games and my neglected babies.

I feel like an early worm today! D8….and I need to finish my fucking CGs…

dskfwkfukgBAHAHAHAHA WOW

Lol Wow

Zombies. Yes. Oh hell yes. That was fucking awesome LOL.

So yea. The game plan tonight was to head to Fall River and go see the show at our school that our friend Nic’s in. Planned to go with the beau, Nicole and the general crew and all that……and then the show got sold…out…somehow? So what do we do? Go see fuckin’ Zombieland, bitches! LOL I still can’t believe I sat through it. NO. I can’t believe I sat through it and LOVED it. My god, it was awesome. So it’s safe to say tonight ruled all. 8[-b Lolololo I seriously didn’t expect that. I wanted to see it a little since it looked funny, but it was one of those moves I didn’t care if I missed, but now I’m so happy I did. When it first started, I was afraid I’d get sick half way and have to run out since it started kind of gross, but the whole thing was actually kind of…cute. The main character was adorable and the co-hero, badass was the shit and I surprisingly loved the female heroes since they were…yea LOL. The badass spent the whole movie looking for twinkies while the main character listed off his rules on how to survive a zombie attack. Lol I still think Raven would be the badass with her love for twinkies…I can be the sad poor little hero that fucking apologizes to zombies as he’s killing them. :[; LOL Afterwards was funny. Colin was very very excited that Bill Murray was in it and then kept listing the rules throughout the night afterwards. And as we were all leaving the theater, he grabs me and starts dragging me and lists off one of the rules about not getting attached to others….and then I asked where we were going and he lists off another rule number and says to always know where the exit is…and of course there was a back exit. Then when we beat the others to the car, he started yelling at me that I’d never survive a zombie attack since I couldn’t get the car unlocked. Lol That list was great and I still loved how Bill Murray was just…in the movie for no real reason. Still gotta see Lost in Translation to please Nicole. :[

Nomnomnom I feel so good now and content with everything. <3 I’m sad we missed the show since I won’t be around to see it tomorrow and I didn’t get to see my baby, Ellie like I wanted, but the night was still amaaazziiiiiing. And I keep feeling less worried about one of my issues. I’m really shocked by that, but it’s great. Blaaagh having intense depression almost all summer was totally worth feeling this good now lol.

Mohegan tomorrow! Gotta get Uncle Lou and Colin good birthday presents! d-D< I’m such a cheapass using my mother’s points lul. LOL And I’m an official Guilty One. Like I seriously have an account. I gave in. Hell, I barely use it, but I can say I’m official now. Hope ya didn’t think I was no longer a creepy Spring Awakening fan. 8[~~~

Lol I don’t even know…I had two minutes to spare before leaving and was listening to Janelle Monae. I kind of wanna make a real picture from her ‘Chase’ track and damn I hope she comes out with a second album.

fgegeurhuioeghio Wooooo damn, I feel relieved. Lol I sense impending doom still, but in a different way and all is cool with it since it’s funny and hey! I’ll be so damn proud of myself if it doesn’t happen. Today was super awesome. I love when I feel like a day is gonna suck and it just turns out better because of it. :[ That almost never happens! And I feel super relieved. Either Colin’s gonna get me my program tomorrow or Brian’s gonna get it for me Sunday. Ooooh thank God. c___c; <3 And to make it better, Colin said he’d do some of my work as long as it doesn’t bore him and I need ten files done by Monday so…yea! I wanna get my own work done, but expert help is….good. There’s perks to dating a RISD tool jk jk. Lol, but yea. I just need the damn program asap. 8[;;;

I made a new friend today and she claims she’s in all my classes so….lol. That’s cool though. She’s funny as shit and adorable and her name’s Gabby and I’m proud that I remember. And I made some other friend, but I….kind of don’t like him, but he’s very entertaining…sometimes. As long as he doesn’t put any blunt moves on me since he’s annoying when he tries swooning people.

And I’ve been having too many dreams lately. I can’t win lol. <>; I had like…..the best dream ever the other night. Like it couldn’t have been better, but it was really real and everything I wanted happened in it and shit and I was sad when I woke up and realized it never happened. :[; BUT LAST NIGHT. Horrible nightmares make me just as sad as reality checks after those rare rare amazing dreams. I ended up waking up so fast that I thought I was still dreaming and ran around my house sobbing. I dreamt that three of my friends killed themselves and….well the whole dream was fucked up, but I was dragging around one of their bodies for some reason and so when I woke up, I flipped the fuck out that I couldn’t find him so I ran around looking for him for a minute before fully waking up and going back to bed. WHat made it worse was the damn COSBY SHOW was on TV. No one wants to wake up to that after such a dream. 8[….

Yea, I’m not sure I had a point for this. Random update on a nice day.

And a random side note? How the hell did someone go years disguised as a man?! She fucking got married and fooled her wife for years too!! >>;;;;;;; I have to stop watching Dangerous Women lul.

Daaaaaamn, I’m so tiiiirrrreeeeed. c__c
Tonight was rockin’ though! Nomnomnom Karen O is so hot. The place was pretty small so it was hard to have bad seats and ours were awesome despite the floors being so sticky, your shoes got stuck LOL. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs are……yea. It was great, man. They sounded the same live as on their albums. As said before, went with Nicole, Colin and Mark and it was…entertaining lol. 8[ Nicole was sad they didn’t play her favorite song, but everything still kicked ass and Karen had this giant….red…….creepy round thing on her head as she sang Heads Will Roll which was the sex. <3 Lol The four of us together must have looked so weird though. Nicole and I were just being our happy little selves, bopping to the music while our two little friends are just acting like complete retards. LOL They were hillarious though. Colin almost took me out like…five times though! He kept jokingly hip bumping me or trying to startle me and I went flying every time. QQ; I could have ended up dead, yo! But yea, it all rocked…except the opening band. They sucked lol. I kind of enjoyed them, but I kept losing focus.

I’m glad the night went well for the most part. <3 The day was pretty fun too even if I’m incredibly a little stressed out about Computer Graphics. Mark’s just as behind as me and we’re gonna help each other along and Brian from church said I can borrow his copy of Adobe Illustrator and followed by that, Colin’s gonna help me get used to it since I hate it so. But past that class, everything was nice and relaxing and I almost fell asleep in the grass today. :[ I wish I could say my whole day was fabulous though. I guess I’m cool with it all since I haven’t had a legit bad day since school started, but eh. I’m just frustrated. Mostly with just two people, but…yea. I’m tired of getting shoved around for people’s needs. I don’t mean anyone at school. Just a friend. I’m just annoyed. I’m all for helping people I love until there ain’t nothing else I can do, but not if you’re not trying to help yourself and get your jollies from making me feel bad. Something……else is bothering me too, buuut…eh….personal. I’m not sure what to make of it, but I’m trying not to let it make me go crazy just yet. I’m hoping things will be okay since I can’t fully complain about it, but I just don’t wanna end up sitting here, smashing my head through the desk…and yea, I make no sense lol. :’/ I think I need to be more careful with my humorous harshness with people too. Both giving and taking. Giving isn’t too much of an issue since almost everyone I know is more harsh than me, but some of the smack is getting to me since apparently some of it isn’t joking which I wasn’t sure of until recently. I’m not being a pussy or anything. I love talking crap back and forth, but…eh….I think it’s more the situation. I’m just concerned, but I guess for now just trying to be careful of what’s what is best. cc;;;;;

KJEHLIUEhfeuiryiu DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!

WHY AM I THE TOPIC FOR GOSSIP!? Dx;;; *sob* BREAKING NEWS SUCKS.

….In other news, Mika’s new CD is adorable and rainbow-tastic.

AHHHHHHHHHGFHHFWIOHN DAMN IT.

Edit: Could have been worse! 8[;;; Was painful, but it could have been worse.

But hey! Where have you been!?

Lol not to let this be taken the wrong way, but how horrible is it that this is the song that makes you think of your own beau? 8[;

Anyway! Good god, what a relief! After like…a full night of sobbing (which I’m very embarassed about now I guess) I ended up surviving the big critique in my 2D class! 8D;;; LOL I almost started crying IN the class as I was setting it up to get looked at, but I sucked it up. And no lol, I don’t get like this over all my shit. *snort* I was just so upset that I did such a perfect job the first time and then fucked it up so bad. And it wasn’t in my head since my class bashed it and Jason LAUGHED at it. D< Jason was pretty understanding though after I explained myself and I guess it made my part of the critque funnier. The sketch version everyone made this big deal about because it was slightly different from everyone else’s since I took body parts away and….it’s hard to explain what I did. But it made me happy since I was worried about the sketch. But looool, the painting. Before I got to explain myself to Jason, he seriously laughed in my face and went “You really gave up there, didn’t you!? 8D” and still laughed when I told him the story. The crique on it was funnier though since anyone that went over mine was like “Oh I love this sketch and how light it is and the form is so beautiful and interesting with the abstract parts 8DD–BUT THAT SECOND ONE? IT’S HORRIBLE. IT’S SO HEAVY AND DARK AND THE ABSRACT PARTS ARE ALMOST UGLY AND MAKE THE FIGURE CLUNKY RAWR.” I got a kick out of that one. She didn’t say exactly that, but she started off all happy and then did that and I had to try so hard not to laugh. Was a very true crit, but hillarious. 8[ I’m much calmer now since Jason said to chill out since this was just our first project. We’re also past the part in math I’m struggling with. I have to finish the practice test and need a little help, but we’re on something easy. Drawing class is still very fun and the teacher, David picks on me a lot so no stress there soooo…all that’s left is Computer Graphics which is going very bumpy, but with that kind of class, I WILL screw up if I panic so…just have to do what I can until I’m caught up. Lol, Colin said he had this teacher once and she never grades anything so I might be safe, but I ain’t trusting his words until I see for myself…which means I need that work done. D<;

I actually went into school yesterday to catch up on work in Computer Graphics and Colin was gonna be in school despite not having classes so he was gonna come with me and keep me from throwing the computer since he understands more about this crap…….Didn’t go so well though. >>; Our teacher Angela’s been giving us way too much work and is all OH JUST USE THE MAC LABS WHEN WE DON’T HAVE CLASS. 8DDD Buuuut it’s kind of hard to do that when the fucking room is closed off lolololo. I spent forever trying to find a computer lab that had Adobe on it and we finally found some PCs with it…….but I couldn’t get into my files under my name off the Macs……sooo…..yea. I got SOME stuff done, but not enough to make it worth driving to Fall River on a free day though lol. The beau made it better though since he was there the whole time. :’/ He put on Zombie Shooter for me and let me go trigger happy on it and then bought me lunch later so the day wasn’t a total waste. Lol, I’m still very confused about the guy, but things have been rolling much smoother since I’ve chilled out about it. I keep thinking he might change his mind and everytime I do, I get that shoved back in my face because he gets more attached to me. :[;;; It’s nice though! I’ve never had someone care so much about me. It’s really surprising though how dramatically he’s changed since just a few weeks ago. Was just sort of cruising through life and not caring about too too much…Now? He one time was talking with me about goals and plans and shit a day or so before he asked me out just very casually and then suddenly started getting really stressed out and panicky that he had to get it together. Now he’s got a job and is getting ready to be super busy next semmester with more classes so he can go farther. I got faith in him and I’m happy about it obviously. I’m kind of jealous though lol. He acts faster on his plans. 8[ I procrastinaaaaate. I’m not jealous of his RISD card though. No…Well maybe a little. Only because he’s already fuckin’ ahead of me in everything and had just decided to slack off at some point. I’m still a pathetic art noob that cries over giant abstract silhouettes.

And of course, LEDGE always has to be mentioned since I feel like that’s been my only focus out of school lately……Not completely a bad thing, but the truth lol. 8[ Gotta make plans with G-unit and others. Can’t whine about old classmates either any more since I see them every day. BUT YEA. LEDGE had a special night last night for Jr high and Sr high kids, but I guess not enough word got out since very few showed. We were all there very late playing Apples to Apples though so I think it went well. 8D; Lol it was very funny. Kathy and I are getting stressed out though since our thug-buddy John got plans made out for our group to go into the projects……and then we realized all our students that can fucking handle it either graduated or can’t make it and there is nooo way in hell that we’re walking through the projects with a bunch of obnoxious idiots so it might just be us leaders doing it. I feel like it kind of ruins the point, but…eh…

Sorry got nothing drawn! Dx; I drew a bunch of Chang, but nothing’s dooooone.