My Own Interpretation

Hurraaaah got some pick me ups as asked. LOL I’m actually all sad and emo and weepy right now, but it’s because I watched a very sad movie, buuut other than that? I’m feeling better. I’m still bummed about shit and still have those quitting feelings, buuut…yea. Things have gotten better.

Get this! Get this! I like…have…money! Seriously, I have money. I finally have the money I need for my plane ticket. I’m so excited I could cry. cc It’s so pathetic how happy I am about it. I NEVER have money. I can get my ticket, help with the second one and I can buy those paints and canvases I’ve been wanting. They’re cheap so it won’t be a problem. I just refused to spend money until I had enough for my ticket. Oh god, it’s like someone took a big mountain of bricks off my shoulders.

Also! M-My uncle bought my the Spring Awakening soundtrack! TT <333333333 God, I love it so much. I already listen to it regularly on Rhapsody, but now I’m mobile, baby! I love ‘Totally Fucked’ lol. 8D; And ‘Don’t Do Saddness/Blue Winds’…And ‘Left Behind’ makes me feel like crying, fo’rizzle. It’s too close to home. I’m sensitive about suicide. <>;;;; But yea! I love it and now I can listen to the whole thing since I didn’t put all the songs on Rhapsody.

Bleeeeh one more day of nursery. Tomorrow. Then I stop. And I finally got started on those damn driving lessons. They’re gonna be a pain, but w’ever. Today went really well and the guy was nice. The kid I had to drive home was funny, but I’m super jealous of him. The kid’s rich, lives on a farm and his house if fucking beautiful and big. Know what? He hates it all and wants to live closer to the streets and city like I do. Hell, I’ll switch places with him. I want that house.

Anyway, yea. I think I’m feeling a little better and have been drawing a little here and there.

Shrunk it a loooot for her wiki page if I ever get it done. Finally remembered to add her scars…even if they look like crap. I really need to work on coloring. I’ve been liking how my hair comes out and then my clothes are a whole different coloring style and it makes it look assy…ah well…PRACTICE, RIGHT? D<;;;;

Bleeeeh still feel out of it, but better. My head’s been killing me. I cheered up though. I got to sleep and I had company most of the day yesterday so it kept me from being too idle to sulk. Always helps. My fucking neck kills though. I think I might get it checked out since I think it’s mostly why I’m getting these headaches when they’re not stress related. That won’t be a big deal thankfully though.

I spent all day playing old school games and goofing around and we watched Who’s Line and all that so even with the headaches, I’m feeling better. Not too depressed to get up or anything. :/ <3 Love always helps, yo…

Main thing still sucking balls and stressing the hell out of me…I had my appointment. Got the nice advisor so that helped. He’s nice and tells me to calm down and laughs when I worry and say sorry. I still have all classes in Fall River….and to top it off, I may not get my accociates degree. ~~;;; The only reason I’m still IN this hell hole of a school. He told me to talk to Mass Art before the semester starts to find out if they want me to drop the classes and just work on my portfolio, buuut…I wanted my fucking degree…Ugh….I dont know. I have to look into it.

Mmmf……..Wow, I feel like shit. Last night was horrible and I stayed in bed until like…2pm. I wasn’t even asleep, I was just too depressed to get up. I left the poor bird covered until 12 before he finally started chirping, but I went right back down after I took his cage cover off. I don’t know…maybe I’m stressed and too frustrated at once. I just feel like a huge mess. Last night was annoying though. I tried going to a few friends and that didn’t help.  I ended up getting some sleep though so that’s good.

I still feel horrible and wanna cry today though. ~~; Ugh, maybe I need meds lol. Today was a pain though. I had to lead Ledge tonight and everyone was really obnoxious and the computer didn’t want to load any of the videos for my lesson and I had no patience for it. Kathy understood though so we’re cool…bleh I was really hoping I’d feel better by now. At least I’m not throwing up, but…bleh. And seriously, these retards that want to become teachers after they graduate. I love them, but…no. Seriously. No. One of them acts like a woman’s period when she’s on birth control and drops Ledge every few months and calls it a fucking cult group and then comes back all might and “I’m proud of myself! I wanna be a TEACHER!” and Chuck and Peggy and all them congratulate him. Yea…no. And then the other one…ugh..annoying and I’m not the only one to feel it. I hope they say no to her. I don’t know who else, but it’s them. I hope Beth wants to be a leader though. She’d be good and she’s been coming a lot lately because Kathy drags her along.

I wish I had more pick me ups. I haven’t felt like drawing, I still feel like the ass of everything and I feel like quitting…a few things lol. Take a guess and you’re probably right. (Except life. Ain’t there yet lulz.) I probably won’t quit anything past MB or whatever, but who knows? Wouldn’t matter. I haven’t done anything with the few things in ages except for other people so…yea. I already quit one thing, but I might go back to it for a second try since it kept me busy. Lol it’s kind of bad that dA has been keeping me most busy online lately. Hell maybe this is just depression talking and everything’ll be round.

I just…eh…I need a pick me up so bad. And no, it’s not summer bringing me down. It’s like….the number one thing keeping me up and about. I’ve got summer plans and the warm weather is amazing minus today since it was cold. I’m not trying to verbally shit things out, I’m just…yea, I don’t want to start. But who knows? Maybe I’ll be okay once I deal with some things and have my appointment tomorrow. Or maybe once this aftermath of the fucktastic attack from last night wears off, I’ll be able to just chill and not mean any of this. Nooo clue. I just feel…yea. And I needed to vent senselessly.

Wow I can’t sleep. Today was…yea. Tried to go to bed early and now I’m freaking out and feel horrible. Got nothing better to do than write and I have nothing to write about. Super.

God I wish it would stop, I really just want to sleep or something.

Aaaaahahaha so it’s official. I’m head over heels in love with The Cab. <3____<3 God, they’re awesome. I’ve heard their stuff on FOB’s Mixtape, but their CD itself? UNF! It’s perfect music for me and I love every song on the album. A-And Patrick Stump sings with them. QQ……And sounds sexy….so what else is new…B-But yea, I love them. LOL They had already somewhat won me over with their obnoxious advertisement for their new single when two of the guys both yelled out a big obnoxious “HELLO WORLD!” but now I officially love them. :[ Bounce bounce bounce…

So um……yea……..I’m in a rut. Drawing. Nothing is coming out how I want it and everything looks messy and ugly. What’s worse is I have no art block what so ever so I really hope it leaves soon. Even my chibis are making me angry.

I’m feeling bittersweet today. :[ I’m having more or less a good day and some awesome things have been going down, but more stress that affect important stuff in my life over weighs it. I’m so damn anxious. Gotta try to get past it. c___c;;; I can do it…hopefully. I really wish I could draw. Right now it’s like…..Basically it’s like a smoker being stressed as hell without a pack to help relieve them. It’s really frustrating. It’d help if the other things I usually use to help me chill were usable, but…lololo yea. 8D; But I’ve been doing fun things. <3 Lot of inspiration, baby. I’m also eager about some really lame shit lol. But eh…It’s something, right? Right!

Blah blah blah noise. I don’t think I had any real point today besides quick notes lol. :[

Aaaah nostalgiaaaa. <3 LOL…yea.

kmsnfisjh Pissed. Well not as much now, but I’m still not happy. Baaaad day. Things were just…annoying. And I still don’t have my fucking classes for the Fall and they treated me like a fucking retard. – -; I don’t get this shit, but I thought that’s the point of the fucking SUPPORT. And I’m gonna have to have my classes in Fall River. SUPER. Yea…ugh….I want my fucking degree…So I’m gonna have to drive there. Thankfully, I might get to carpool, but…..ugh….God, I hope so. All of this is making me feel sick. So if I fail my driving test, I’m royally fucked. How the FUCK does a college in Attleboro help with ANYTHING if they still make you go to OTHER CAMPASSES?! REALLY?!

Ugh…-___-; FML I’m so worried about how this year will go. I either have to drive to Fall River (such a great way to start) or I have to change my major to like…some science shit. I think I’d be less angry if I didn’t get belittled so much. The guy I got this time wasn’t AS bad as the first time, but he was like my 10th grade math teacher. Helpful, but not really. Eugh…It doesn’t help that I get so nervous so fucking easy. I really do and I need to work on it. If I did something wrong, he’d fucking act like I shot a dog and then when I said sorry, he’d just stare at me until I said or did something.

And just to keep this up, my darling friends who keeps IMing me to defend their gay characters? I don’t care lol. I honestly don’t. Defend them all you want, I’m not bashing them. I’m just tired of them whether they have a reason as to why they’re like that or you simply wanted it. I don’t care. When I said I mean everyone down to people I adore along with their characters I love, I meant EVERYONE. So lol really. :[ Stop. I can’t stop you from making two or two hundred gay guys, but you can’t hide from what I said.
Rants and no art. 8D; Haven’t been doodling too much lately. And my OCD’s been ruining my day all day and affecting my typing. I really need to make those plans.

Oh and a good note? I’m half way to my money goal for Texas! Dx; Ugh….Gotta keep going. Mom bought me Subway though to make everything better….Things aren’t better, but it helped and she was patient for once when she got stressed over my situation. Wow.

Sorry if I offended anyone…Do I take it back? Nope. :[ Not a bit. I’m not TARGETING anyone, but I’m not EXCLUDING anyone. If you feel I mean you, I probably do whether I love you or not. Sad, I know.

Amen right back at you, babydoll. *winknudge*

*cough* ANYWAY! Nothing really to talk about, but I’m…still all Spring Awakening’d out. :’D;;;; And I found a video of all the, peeps from my cast so it’s easier to compare them to Broadway than me simply going “Dey is better cuz I say!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iDomCu6Hdk&feature=related

Lol I’m so damn obsessed with this musical. It kicks so much ass. QQ <333 And fihgfuyeui Blake Bashoff’s so adorable it makes me lol. Wish all the cast could have been spoken to. The creepo gay guy’s hillarious and has the biggest creeper voice. Ah well! D< Beggers can’t be choosers!

Lol random, senseless rant over something dumb that’ll probably piss off a LOT of people, but….I’m…very tired of EVERYONE’S character being gay lol…; Wait, let me rephrase that. Everyone’s MALE characters being gay. Seriously wtf? Even my gay friends make straight guys sometimes. I swear to God, I’m not the least bit homophobic or anything…just…jeez! >>;;;; Honestly, man, it gets over done. And then I hate the excuse “I just wait and see what they go for” coming from EVERYONE. I get if you do that, but with ALL of your (male) characters? Nice plan, but in reality, guys don’t usually go “Gee, I’ll wait and see!” Normally, guys more than girls even are the ones to be set on something. I know that’s not always the case, but…again! This is why I think it’s okay to do it sometimes. Lol I’ll probably piss off whoever reads this, but…eh. Whatever lol. :[;;;  Sure, maybe there are less female characters that would appeal to you when you’re trying to pair people up, but oh well? Maybe more people would try harder if there was something to try for?

I just miss when there was more to a character than…yea….lol….Juuust had to get that out. Sorry if I offended or let down any of my own friends, but something hit me a moment ago to finally get that out.

EDIT: Lol is this the hour of the jackass? Don’t ask. :[ Lol this is gonna be a looong week.

LOL Wtf What am I doing digging up my hard rock music? 12 Stones of all bands too. They’re like…one of the only extreme bands that can scream and I’ll still listen to regularly. :[ They clense my soul, maaaan. I still remember having a coniption when I realized I was at their concert since I didn’t know they were gonna be part of what I was going to. They’re great though. People can bash me. :/

Anyway! I’m not sure if this is gonna be more overruled with happy or ranting lol. I’m bittersweet. Oh well! Here we go! The last two days have been really good. Saturday was so busy. c___c <3 I got to hang out with a lot of my friends that make me feel good about myself. Not that I don’t love being around all my friends…I just…yea, I missed them and they make me feel like a queen bee sometimes lol. I was so happy to see everyone in such good moods. I’ve been worried about some of them. But we all had a great time and kept busy and I got to hang out with Kathy a ton and her second oldest daughter, Beth. Those two never treat me dumb just because of my height or I’m not twenty yet so I looove talking to them. >_>; I was glad I got to hang with Beth so much since I wasn’t sure if she liked me before Saturday, but we had a lot of fun and I got really close. I’m so glad I have that family around me. They always make me feel so included and they tell me really personal things so they trust me. D; <3 Also got to hang out with some other friends I don’t see as often which is fun. Only thing that sucks was getting my spirit a little crushed romantic-wise. Always figures lol. I guess I wasn’t looking forward to anything anyway, but….sdkjfgce ugh FML lol. But I’m more frustrated about that than sad since I still think I ended up with the better end of the deal. I love all my little darlings too much to care.

And then after the long day, I got some help with painting and junk which is great since I need to finish my portfolio baaaaadly. >>;;;;; I need money for canvases and paint and…supplies and everything. Hell, I just need money. Still no job and I still plan on going to Texas. I’m probably gonna bag Anime Boston. The fact that I never buy myself anything and I’m STILL dirt poor tells me I have to stay focused. It’s depressing though since I wanted to go so badly, but I know I’ll be paying for myself lol…Ah well, sucks for me. But I got SOME painting done and I think I can borrow supplies if I get desperate so hey. But of course after all that, I got stranded lol. :[ I got my own bed to sleep in and went to bed rediculously early (for me since I normally sleep at like…3 lol) and got a ride to church on Sunday where I got a ride home from my mom lol. Being stranded wasn’t too bad though. Had fun and saw a movie…and of course, painted.

Sunday wasn’t too bad either considering I was all sunburned and exhausted from the day before. I went to a party for someone in my family and got to chill with my cousins which I always love. Talked about books and movies and all that good stuff. We stayed there WAAAY too long though after everyone was leaving and I spent the rest of the night making cootie-catchers out of tiny pieces of paper and fell asleep at the table. That pissed me off. <<;;; And then I didn’t get to really say goodbye to my friend before she left for the next few days so..I’m still not happy about that. :[…But whatev, the time before it got late was fun. I’ve been happy that I’ve been getting out so much lately and talking to my other friends. I felt like such a butt in the group lately and was so restless. But hey! I went to bed early twice in a row and got up really early twice in a row without forcing myself! :’D; Not bad, yea?

Finally feel lively! D< AND I got the confidence to enter a contest for an artist I adore. Let’s see how that goes! I’m glad things have been lively. I’m anxious as shit as always, but I think I’d be worse if I wasn’t. I’ve been really tired of all the whining lately…just in general. >_>; I don’t mind whining, don’t get me wrong. But not when it’s something that you’re just making up for the sake of whining. Or…eh…if I start getting detailed, I’ll annoy myself lol. Not just online, but offline too, but just…yea, in general. I’ve been getting annoyed with it all and then a few pompas attitudes have been annoying me more than usual lately. You’re not allowed to get upset with everyone but then suddenly act above it all if something changes for you. You still felt that way before. People have just been very irking. cc; Hell, I barely like using AIM lately except for like…my usual buddies that IM me. I can’t stand when someone IMs me with just what THEY wanna say and we can’t have a back and forth conversation…or they just won’t talk. >_>; Too many people are doing it lately. If it wasn’t for the people I find enjoyment in talking to, I’d just not sign on or something. Just very annoying. :’D;;

Wow, I only did one legit rant paragraph and snuck the rest of the shit in happy paragraphs? Skill! D< I’m in a good mood with a bitter outlook so I didn’t know what to expect. But this was a long one lol. That should be it. Still need a job! I’m so screwed lol. I’m gonna get my finaly driving lessons like…next month when I need my damn LISENCE so I’m panicing about that and it upset me. And the chick I made the appointments with was bitchy. :[ Ah well, maybe I should work the streets. (jay kay, jay kay) I’m probably gonna have to work at a day care. /wrist I hate working with kids. I don’t mind what I have now and I don’t dislike kids, but I’m so tired of em’. Half the reason I quit nursery at church for a while. We’ll see how things go.

Okay! That’s enough for one post. 8[;;;;

I miss that song. :[ It’s like…always gonna be one of my number one’s. Can’t find it anywhere off Rhapsody though…eh…ANYWAY.

FINALS. OVER. Dx!!! Yes! Now just finding a job and getting some sleep! I’m so happy lol. I hope I passed everything. QQ;;;;; But I’m so glad I’m done with my art teacher. I’m done with all of em’, I hope. I only liked my Geology teacher so I don’t mind getting him again. Our final for that class one a -take home- test! Yeeeaaa I feel good about it lol.

Still got stress, but that’s a relief. Shit’s annoying, but whatev. I was moody earlier and I feel relaxed now. I’ve been on and off with worries, but they’re mostly about just one thing and it’s dumb, but I have a right to it. Stupidity can bring very bad things lol…I’m tired of people getting away with everything even when they shouldn’t, but are popular.

Ah well! I feel good tonight. I’m so inspired. <3___<3 I feel creative and all that. I’m gonna enter one of my favorite artist’s contests too. Maybe I’ll win! Even last place is good. I want her to draw me something. Lol…and what’s sad? I want her to draw me my FRIEND’S character! Not even my own! She’d made Chin look so pretty. dfjhwoih I’m hungry and need to crash soon.

Let’s hope I can stay relaxed for a bit! Dx And driving lessons next week and then I can finally go for my license! <3