My Own Interpretation

Noooom lol I love Cobra harder and harder every day. :[;;; I’m getting more made fun of for it these days. I used a gift card today in Hot Topic all “No more T-shirts until I have more normal clothes” and then flipped out when I saw the most beautiful thing in the world….the new Cobra design on a T-shirt. c_c I didn’t buy iy though. :’/ It was hot though. I probably will go back for it when I have cash. I got a cute shirt though to go over my t-shirts.

jkehfeiouhoi Anyway I’m crying a lot lately. I’ve been very emotional. Stress and Aunt Flow should be coming soon. cc; But stress…yea. Just over my work and all. I stress easily when out of my comfort zone and royally fucked my project I’ve been working on nonstop and it’s due tomorrow. My closest hope is trying to fix it and explaining to Jason just how hard this is for me. I’m so out of what I’m used to with this thing. Our next project is more up my alley though. <>;;; Computer Graphics has been more stressful though. Angela’s great, but she’s kind of flakey about helping us and I don’t understand Adobe Ill especially on a Mac.

Blaaah just a crazy week and my stomach’s been all bubbly with stress. <>; I’m doing okay past this project though. Just….yea lol. I hate this project. But Drawing is really fun. Actually all my classes are still fun, but that’s my main stress free one. And my childhood friend suddenly got a change of heart and like I saaaaiiiid…he can do what he wants and I’ll always accept him into my heart so we’re good again. <3 The teachers are all nice in my classes still too. I think only Angela gets to me, but she’s still okay. D; And out of class has been super fun lol. All my babies running around. Colin and Enzo fuckin’ molested me and I accidentally slammed my head into a pole behind me. LOL They both stopped poking at me all OMHD8;;;; and I just asked them if I hit my head so they thought I got head trauma for reals. The usual crazy events with the crew and it’s still amazing. <3 I keep making new friends to love out of it.

And hooooly shit, I got myself a beau?! I scored Colin lulz. Still have no clue how it happened, but I guess I’m pretty happy about it. :[; I’ve had a thing for the same person for a long time and knew they were out of my league so it felt weird actually getting a crush on someone at school. It’s awkward though since I’ve never had a beau before and I freak out about it like….constantly, trying to process it. Lol It’s like when you’re a new parent and you just had your baby. You don’t exactly feel like it actually happened. At least that’s what my cuz, Jen told me when she had her first child lol. But I’m calmer when we’re actually hangin’, but yea lol. It’s nice for a change though, eh? No one I like has ever liked me back and I don’t think anyone mildly sane has ever had feelings for me. And what made it even funnier was that this other guy I made friends with apparently had a thing for me too. 8[;;;; I didn’t learn about that until today though because I finally got annoyed enough to ask Colin why he bashes the poor guy so much. Again, veeery awkward for me. But it’s nice and…weeell pretty much the same as with my other buddies, but it’s really nice seeing him chill out so much when we hang since his bottled up problems are very obvious. To the point, I’m happy for once something like this happened and I’m hoping my negative theories about us keeps getting proved wrong and we work out. <>;; Lord knows I was already wrong about the attraction. I’m gonna keep it on the down-low from my family for a while though. Lol Nicole and Ashley make enough ‘awwh’ sounds as it is. Today was the first official day and Mark made it veeery entertaining lol. He spent all day screaming in my face about how I’ve ruined his life and how I’m a home wrecker that stole his man and took away his happiness. He even shoved his phone in my face to show me that Colin changed his relationship status on FB so they’re not “in a relationship” any more. Lol He was joking, but it was very entertaining. :[ They’re the most entertaining bromance I’ve ever seen. They’re like…exactly like a Turk and JD sort of thing.

In other news, I dropped off all my apps today so now I sit and wait and pray for God’s sake. I’m worried. <> I need moolaaah…I used my gift cards today though lol. I just have to keep filling out apps until something happens. I have some confidence though. I’ve been doing a little better with that lately and I think I’m getting back in the swing of just…like…the reasons why I’m a LEDGE leader to begin with. I’m proud of myself though since I think I need that more now than any time. Looool though as little as it shocks me these days, I have to say Chuck once again forgot me when listing leaders. Shock shock. It’s Chuck though. ;[

I had more to say, but I’m so damn tired. Gotta stay awake enough to finish this disaster of a project I keep crying over. I’ll write more tomorrow or something. No arts this time. D; Haven’t had time past Grim’s card.

kjsfkljofie Wow I’m very late on updates. Veeeery late. 8[;;; A lot’s been going on too so damn! It’s been nice though. Things sucked pretty hard for a while past the usual stuff and I was stuck in some suckish depression, buuuut I’ve been feeling pretty awesome.

First off! Dx< The Killers were amazing! It was like a show you’d see in Vegas lol. <3___<3 I’d totally go again. Frank and Raven are awesome to Vegas with. Lol We were all queers and bopped to the music with each other and hip bumped and did hand flairs and all that. We ended up missing the train home afterward, but it was okay since we got to hang out with Frank longer. :’/ Never get to hang with my Boston buddies. Either way, we had an awesome time and it was amazing! AND! I passed my test and didn’t have to off myself! Driving’s been kind of fun as long as mom’s not in the car and I don’t get lost.

And moving on! School started! Wow…like…..so……yea……..I’m enjoying myself and over joyed…in BCC?! I know, right!? Wtf! I’m just as shocked! But it’s been amaaaaziiiiing. All my teachers are awesome and all my art teachers only respond to their first names and are adorable and awesome. My 2D teacher, Jason is adorable lol. 8[ <3 He gets all pumped when I get pissed at my art and trash it to start all over all “WOAH” which is hilarious. My Drawing teacher, David’s pretty cool too and he’s all laid back and makes snide remarks back and forth with us. Lol He called me out as the idiot today because I had a blond moment. My math and Computer Graphics teachers are great too, but in different ways. Graphics with Angela…it’s….She’s adorable and the class seems like it’ll be fun, but she just drags oooon and ooooooon…And my math teacher’s the only old person I have and he’s amazingly awesome. It’s more just me hating math there lol.
The only thing that’s really sucked was in Drawing. I was happy to be able to say my life long, soulmate-best friend was taking that class and we’ve always just been like…….super tight and loved each other even when we go years without seeing each other…buuuuut uh….I guess now he’s too good for me so he tossed me aside. It’s been kind of eating at me since he broke my heart pretty hard, but eh. What can I do? I’m trying not to hold it against him since even if he’s acting like this, I still love the dude and am always willing to catch up.

What HAS been amazing is…actually…just fucking school in general. Work always sucks, but I don’t mind it and I have almost every class with Ashley and/or Nicole and I drive Nicole everywhere so we get to hang a lot. It’s been nice getting to chill with them since I always only seem to see them when we’re making plans and all. Very fabulous. 8[ And I’ve somehow like…managed to get my own massive posse of friends just between now and last week on the first day off school. Me? Make friends? Even weirder than loving BCC! D8; But yea, they’re all amazing. It all started with these guys that were bugging Nicole while she was waiting for me to get out of class, Colin and Mark and they just….sort of….walk around and greet everyone and claim people as their friends and whoever gives in…well…becomes their friends and that’s how I’ve met almost everyone else. Colin’s an…interesting one lol. Love him to death though and Mark is adorable. I got really close to his female best friend in no time flat too. Ellie. <3 There’s a third main dude too, Nic and he’s in drama so he’s a riot when he gets passionate over things and he recites Shakespeare and uses me as his Juliet when he’s practicing so it’s entertaining. Made a lot more friends than that, but those guys are my main posse. And what makes it even better?!!?!?! D8< YES IT GETS BETTER! Like…ALL my high school friends are friends with either Colin and/or Mark so I get to see them all the time now! QQ <3333 I almost cried when we were all snugged up together like the good old days. Lol I feel so pathetic, but it’s really been great and being around these guys has made my self-esteem boost up a bit which helps keep me from getting so caught up in what’s upsetting me. I’m constantly told I’m adorable and have smokin’ hair and I have guys carrying me around and snuggling me and claiming me regularly which has been….different and very weird and awkward, but I get a kick out of it. It makes me feel loved. :[ Lol I spent pretty much my entire free time today sitting in Colin’s lap, getting hugged while Mark napped against my shoulder and then Enzo came by and just toppled onto us to give me a hug. Mark and Colin are fucking homo-lovers without even being homos and kept snuggling each other during said time. They seriously need their own TV show. Ellie wasn’t in today though. </3 And lol fuck, Enzo started the ‘abortion battle’ with me again from highschool where we’d punch each other in the stomach, hard. Wasn’t expecting it. QQ;;;;; And I even made -another- new friend today while we were all hanging out during my free time. 8D~ His name’s Brian. Lol, he’s like my brother from another mother. <3 And yesterday while I was hanging with Colin and Mark, they started harassing some girl that just started BCC and barely speaks English and claimed her as their friend and said she could come hang with us and it made her day. She was so cute and shy and kept sticking to me all “Are they always like this? D8;” and now we’re buddies.

….Yea! So….To sum that up, school’s been amazing and I love my posse to death. I love having my highschool gals and Enzo back and I love the new peeps I’ve met. What’s funny is most of them are really good looking which never happens to me and I think it’s even funnier that they’re all not shallow and are just psycho as fuck art majors. Well not all of them are in art, but the coolest ones are. And we all became tight so fast.

RAAAAH! Yeah Yeahs Yeahs coming up! Dx Colin and Mark are coming with us. <333 So excited. I love having a life (and wheels) finally! Got a few awkward things coming out of it relating to one person….A little hopeful, but more doubtful and just amused by it, but hey, who knows? I’m kind of hoping something comes out of it, but it’s a stretch.

Oh and I completely forgot to mention that LEDGE started up again. We’re all pumped and excited to be back already! <3 Brian’s son has been coming since he’s in high school now and…jfkhweuih I’M SO HAPPY! Brian’s still really sick, but he started coming to church again and didn’t retire from his job which means he’s not getting worse. It’s awesome. He’s still not back in LEDGE though, but that’s understandable since he’s still really sick. We got a new LEDGE teacher though! LOL Oh god, I love him. His name’s John and he’s all buff and has tattoos and a thick thug accent which is hilarious and then to make it even better…I kid not…he’s a legit, hard-core rap master. A real one! He used to be the on-going champion of the place he did battles at and is well known, but he stepped down from his title for the sake of the church. It’s so great though since now he’s a youth group leader LOL. 8[ He’s such a gangsta, but he gets shy and writes poetry. Also, Kathy’s daughters are now leaders too so we have a pretty full pack even if Brian’s not around still so it’s nice. We got this!

Lol Long time since I managed to make a post of about 99.9% bliss, eh? Still long as shit though lulz.;

Still kind of in a rut…I think…..On the fence….I’ve been trying to get out of it though. D; Lol I miss Remedy as a wandering pill pusher so here we go!

Wow, my computer’s like…buzzing. I’m sure that’s promising lul. And yea! Looooong post. Apologies…whoever. :’/ I gotta kill time until my Advil kicks in so I can fall back to sleep.

Anyway, hurraaaaah! Abruptly waking at 5am is fun! Let’s give this early morning-late night time to the internetz. :[ So yeeeaaa guess what? Another bitchy whiny update. Yea, sorry lol. This place is for ranting so why not? Nnng I wanna just curl up in a corner and die like a bug lol. Sorry for so much self pity. I honestly am. This week has been Heeeell and back times 3. Nothing’s ever fucking simple and these people never know what they’re doing. Every time something gets sorted out with my damn schedule, something new and worse fucks up. Thankfully though, I think things are set….for now. –; Lol Only took…how long? Months? That’s right. And not to mention mom had a fit right in the fucking school because I have a Saturday class. Oh wah. Poor thing. I have to get up at 8 on Saturdays to drive to fucking Fall River for a fucking math class. You poor thing. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why she’s upset and this is affecting her as well, but why the hell would I choose a class at that fucking time unless I had no choice? I didn’t even want math. I honestly wasn’t angry until she (because at the time she thought I could change the class to Sunday mornings instead…since that’s so much better) fucking told me to change my math class to Sunday mornings. So not only would I be stuck in math in Fall River in the morning, but I’d also have to give up like…the only thing that makes me feel worth something for it lol. I’m not a Ledge teacher on Sundays, but I’m slowly being nudged to it and they expect me there in the morning if possible. As if Chuck doesn’t overlook me enough as it is. But whatever…I don’t like having a class at that time so I’ll eventually find a way out. What’s cool is I might get to take an art class I’m not qualified for yet. To take most of the good classes, you have to take Art 13 first, but I’m taking that this semester, buuuut if I play my cards right, I might get to take one of those said classes AS I’m taking 13…..instead of math. I highly doubt I’d have that luck, but my more likely option is a math class…well….not at 9 on Saturdays in Fall River. Who knows and we’ll see.

All in all, life’s just been complete and utter shit. I’ve been fucking depressed and this all hasn’t helped. And the past few weeks haven’t had many ups. I haven’t been able to draw anything for real and I can’t even get joints right. This is common when I’m depressed, stressed and/or out of it so I guess it’s to be expected. I guess it just sucks I feel it all at once which makes the drawing attempts way worse lol. I’ll keep trying though. Maybe it’ll pass. It’s gonna have to if I want a finished portfolio. I hate everything I already had set up for the damn thing, but I know better than to trash it. I just want enough will back to draw something I can color that might come out good. I haven’t had a lot to keep my mind clear. I feel so fucking out of the loop just…everywhere. Three people I love fucking moved away from me, one which is more important than the others got to say it to my face in the same moment he had to say goodbye to me and the other two kept trying to make plans with me and were busy every day I had to spare and the next thing I know they’re in Canada. I guess it’s better that at least the closest friend is in Iowa, but it sucks. And past that…just…eugh….in general. I feel like I’m not connected to anything any more. I’ve been watching everyone else do the bonding and hanging. Hell, I know everyone feels left out, but whatever. I can feel it too and I sure as hell feel it. Irl, online…just general, minus one or two people. I’ve felt so by myself. I don’t even mean no one’s been there for me to cry on. I don’t want that. I just mean in general.  For luls and all that?

Friday is supposed to be a nice day. We’ll see. I would just say it’s going to be an amazing. Going into Boston with Grim and Frank to see God–I mean, The Killers and we’re gonna go have dinner at Dick’s which is always amazing. Buuut of course, I can’t let out a nice exhale just yet! The big test’s Friday and as I’ve said many times, if I fail, I’m fucked. Lol, I keep getting stressed to tears about it, but I’m trying not to. I know, I know. If I psych myself out, I’m screwed. I think I’m calmer now, but I’m still worried. I’ll have fun Friday night either way, but….if I fail the test…yeaaa….way to start the fun and I really am screwed and have had that made very clear for me. I’m just trying to look at it all like a big Boot Camp course. Gonna run through all the tires and dangerous stunts and my amazing, amazing prize is at the end with all its glory. Since there is very little that is more amazing than going to see the Killers when your ticket’s already been paid for.

Nng…I think waking up at a shitty hour made me extra moody. Apologies. In a good note, I’ve been obsessing over Warrior U like a dork lol. Fucking little cute comic someone on dA makes <3. I wanna make fan art if my hand ever comes back to life…And God almighty…I don’t THINK the artist ever would, but if Finn and Harv turn out gay, I’m giving up on the world as a whole lol…It seems like just two boys with an awkward friendship, but I don’t trust female artists any more. All I see these days. BL and annoying emotes. MB’s bringing out more weeabooness lately with emotes lol. </3 If I see one more ‘waaah’ or ‘=w=’ or anything else out of the wise, I’m gonna cry. Gotta finish Persian red speaking of which….And yes, that was my cheery section of this update. Sorry if I sound bitter.

Bah, I’m gonna try to get back to sleep. For some reason, along with my good sleeping schedule, I’ve been exercizing and eating better. I’m almost off Coke, but I’m trying to ween myself so I don’t make myself sick…and mom went and bought a box. But yea, I wanna be awake to make time to exercise and enjoy a free day before babysitting which will then lead into Friday. I also need to make time for my love since she’s been such a good friend as always. Haven’t made enough rp or casual time like she does. </3 God, I owe a few people for things…..Hey wow, THAT was my cheery section.

Idk

Wow Grim. Fuck you. How could you rant to me about such a fucking gay song and not expect it to get stuck in my head? NOW I hate it. And you.

ANYWAY. I…can’t sleep. How much does that suck, eh? Today was slow and lame and I’m still depressed about my stuff. In case anyone (who really DOES read this crap?) hasn’t heard, all my special keepsakes on my desk got ruined thanks to mommy dearest who never fucking listens to me. I ALWAYS tell her to keep her food and drinks away from the desk since she’s a slob and I always have to clean the keyboard and my tablet because of her…….so she drank red wine at the desk….and in case you don’t get what I’m saying, she spilled it EVERYWHERE….All over my cards, drawings people made me, my little keepsakes and all that. I’m fucking depressed about some of them and I’m really angry about my Lady Gaga duck. I might beg Ashley to fix her since it’s making me so sad. I feel like a baby crying over it, but seriously. It got on so much and I don’t care if my desk is cluttered since I’M careful at it. Lol Not the biggest thing in the world, but when you’re bummed and gloomy, it doesn’t brighten your day.

I’m kind of freaking out too…but sort of excited? I got hired to be my church’s event logo designer. I half don’t wanna do it, buuuut it’s sort of in the line of work I’d like to do someday sooo…yea. I’d probably be less worried if the dude that was gonna observe me wasn’t someone that makes me feel tense, but maybe this is a sign that I have to learn to not avoid the guy. He’s friends with the people I babysit for and I always avoid him since he’s so MAJOR SRS. Whatever. I’m eager…once I figure out the instructions given to me. It means a lot since while I’m being put in such an important spot there…..as usual, Chuck is forgetting I exist. Go figure. I’ve been really depressed ever since Joey told me he was moving away since I feel like he just came back into my life and I’m losing him again. But him and I were supposed to run a Jr High group together and Chuck “forgot” I was part of that plan and has been all “NOW I HAS NO ONE FOR THE JOB.” Whatever though. I’ll step up or have Kathy fight my battle if needed olololo. We’ve got some time, I think. I’m so sad about Joey though. He promised he’d come back though. He went back to Iowa spur of the moment to continue his education there. QQ

Blah I don’t know. Am I bitching? I feel like I am. I’ve felt kind of extra drowsy lately. My sleep schedule’s still good, but not much has changed. I just feel gross and was too down to pull myself off the couch the past few days. Lol though because of my sloth-like attitude the other day, I saw the entire first season of Royal Pains. My god…for such an unoriginal, half assed show, it amuses me. :’/ I wish it wasn’t a rip off of all the other USA shows. It’s like…….Burn Notice, House, and Psych all in one. Hell, it even starts with the main guy, Hank explaining his situation of getting fired like Burn Notice does with Mike. But besides that, it’s a cute show and I like the characters. The girlfriend grew on me and her husband (drama llama has a beau and a hubby lul) is cute. Hank and Evan are a good team though. :[ It’s not the greatest, but I liked it more than expected. I guess I’m glad Mina put it on that night or I’d probably still be ignoring it. Might as well keep up now that I’m done with season 1, yea?

Still freaking out about the new year. Eager to get it over with…….only if I pass the test. If I fail it, life’s over lol. I can’t fail it. Probably psyching myself out by saying that over and over again, but it’s true. God, I have to pass, man.

….In other news….? I got my sticker machine today! That sort of cheered me up since…I’ve wanted one forever. I got a good deal on it. Too bad I can’t sell anything I make for my life. But hey, the day someone asks for a commission, I’m fully prepared now. And I can finally put them in everyone’s Christmas presents this year.

…Okay wow, why have my posts been bigass lately? I’ll shut up. I should try going back to bed. /wrist

I’m not sure if I’m content with him. <>; Or his name. Whatever, he’s born.

Haaaaa yea! I’m tired. My sleep schedule has been amazing though. I haven’t been over sleeping and I get tired earlier at night. That’s a good sign! I have the most fucked up dreams, but I’m still getting sleep so whatever. Gonna get weird ass dreams when you’re constantly freaking out. I haven’t been too spazzy considering circumstances. Mom has been cattier than a pre-teen starting her period lately…which is really weird since she was actually in a great mood Sunday. I thought maybe she was calming the fuck down, but I guess not. :/ Sunday was awesome actually….most of it. Uncle Lou and I are officially part of The Guilty Ones Crew. 8D; We’re so gay lol. It’s a Spring Awakening fan…group…that keeps up to date with the tour group via Totally Trucked and all that…and just loves the story. We’re more in it for our love of the show. We annoyed my aunt so so much since he wanted to talk about it more than I did and then I told him all about the original story. It was nice just getting to see him and he loved the show he saw that day. I wish I could have gone too, but he told me all about it. :’/ It was Jersey Boys. Lol My aunt sometimes acts like she knows nothing about me and brushed me off all “You’d be too young to appreciate the music in the show” which….was weird, but mom and Uncle Lou both looked at her like she had three heads so that made me feel better. Lol I don’t know what was with Uncle Lou that night, but he was getting very…snippy when I got spoken down to at all. I think he’s starting to get frustrated that I’m babied so much. He’s one of the very few adults I know that treats me the same as he treats someone his own age. Yet another reason why he’s amazing though. :[ The day I finally get my own car, I’d actually like to drive up to see him on my own and I can help him with his wheelchair and junk whenever he needs it.

THE WHOLE DAY WASN’T GOOD THOUGH. 8[;;; While mom and I were waiting for the show to end so we could meet up with him, we chilled in the park and I went off to read on my own….and a pedo came over and tried to pick me up. I don’t think my self confidence has been this low in a long time. I almost started crying when I got up to go back to my mom, but she was already worried that I was traumatized so I didn’t wanna make things worse. LOL But really, that was horrible. I guess I can’t say I don’t attract people now, huh?! Wow, I’m never leaving the house without some makeup or something. I was hit on by a creeper AND mistaken for a little kid at the same fucking time. I give up on life. OTL

Blah anyway. I’ve been kind of bummed about shit along with stress, but I’m trying not to sulk 24-7 since I have too much to do at once. It’s the typical shit. Past the homo-parades, little online is bothering me so I guess it says something that all my upsets are irl. Yaaaay. </bittersweetcheer> Today was fun though. :[ I finally found a pair of sunglasses that feel good on my face and may possibly not look completely ridiculous on me. They’re cute and bright yellow and have black studs on the sides LOL. I didn’t find any clothes, but I kind of….couldn’t afford anything past those sunglasses so I guess that’s a good thing.

Big test is coming up! Wish me luck so I don’t have to off myself!

And no artz today…I’ve been practicing more…intimimate situations for anatomy practice so….ain’t sharing. :[;;

Lol Ew…I know my music taste has some odd ends, but I didn’t think I could degrade myself past rocking to Cascada. I mannaged to pull it off though lol. :’/

SO YEA. Fun times! I’m sick and feel like rolling over and dying lol. Is that the reason I bother updating? Hell yea. I’ve been dead on the couch all day. ;[ Lol The best part is the fact that I have to force out the energy to clean the downstairs in a bit since mama dearest has plans tonight and can’t team up with me on it. Ah well, it won’t kill me.

Lol I’ve been dicking around and playing .Hack to make time pass by quicker like the winner that I am. Ovan made me sad. :’/ I always wanted him on my team. I kind of find it funny that he ‘dies’ though since it goes with our OCs. I still remember every Eos character we matched up with .Hack characters. Gabi is still <3. But yea, it was sad, but Ovan’s so cool and his death was nice and ridiculously epic and Haseo no longer looks like a homo….well…I guess he does, but he’s in a better outfit now. He changes more than fucking Vegas acts. But his new weapon is fuckin’ raaaaape! <3_<3 And Alkaid was so cute when she came back to life. :[ <3 Very Chang-like and she got all flustered and tough when Haseo got emotional on her. Still never put an OC in Haseo’s place though…he’s kind of lame to a point. Too dramatic and whiney even if I do like him. :’/ I like him most around Atoli and his Canard guild though since he’s such a flustered prick when he is……..And I fucking wish Shino didn’t come back. She’s so damn annoying. Bitch needs to step off Atoli’s territory, yo. I’m pro-HaseoxAtoli >/….Anyway…LOL The best thing about playing is the fact that I had gone grinding before the big battle with Ovan….and I got carried away so now I’m too high a level so I beat Ovan in a minute and a half literally while the average time that battle normally takes for people is like….20 to 30 minutes (from what I’ve seen). It was about the same with Tri-Edge and his gang too lol. 8[;;; Saved me a lot of time and energy? It’s just hillarious since I’m speeding through the game now since everything takes three hits to kill even if they’re epic bosses.

Don’t judge. :[ TV doesn’t keep my attention so why not finish PS2 games?!

Well…I…guess I don’t have much of an update past that. Got a teacher’s meeting and a dinner party with all the teachers this weekend that I’m hoping I won’t be too sick to go to and I ALSO have to go into Boston on Sunday, thoooouuugh I’m hoping I don’t still feel like death by then. Gotta wheel uncle around. :[ <3 He’s taking us to dinner after he goes to the show he has tickets for so I’ll get to hang with him so it’s all worth it. I kind of wish I could nag one of my friends into coming to kill time with me while he’s at the show though. I don’t really feel like doing so with mom alone. I can bet any money she’ll have a reason to argue or something. But it seems dickish since they couldn’t come along to dinner lol. I’ll get to hang with Uncle Lou in the end though. Also wanna get an update about Jess.

Okay now I’m done and the laptop’s melting my stomach lol. Gotta clean so I can go back to being dead.

Lol Moritz. <3 Him and Melchior made me so depressed in the last scene….And technically, I guess Moritz is supposed to be missing his head since he blew it off by this scene, but…yea. Blood works. Haven’t really been drawing well the past few days anyway.

Hurraaaah, Phil and Lexi are officially husband and wife! :[ <333 Lol Happened over the weekend and I’m just now posting about it. I’m such a lazy ass.

The wedding was really nice and sweet. QQ Lexi looked beautiful and Phil was adorable. He was so eager and over joyed while waiting for her to walk down the isle. I’ve never seen a guy that like….wiggly with excitment while getting married. I know all grooms are eager and junk, but he was just so….yea lol. It was sweet and Sean was the paster so the whole thing was awesome and I got a lot of pictures. <3 The reception was reeeaaally entertaining and it I had a lot more fun at this wedding than most I’ve gone to. It’s different when it’s a bunch of your friends lol. It sucked that we were all put at different tables though. D; We managed though. Jay and I were like….two whole tables apart but we still yelled back and forth to each other and annoyed some of the people in between us which was awesome and when we weren’t doing that, we were making faces at each other and doing the robot. Lol we’re so mature. Kathy and Beth were at the table between us which was good since I wanted Kathy closest to me and it was fun hanging out with Beth since normally it’s just at LEDGE and everything. She kept leaving the dance floor for her beer and would start acting like a sad drunk to make us laugh. <3 Bre was waaay away from my seat so I had to walk all the way around to see her though. </3

But anyway…I didn’t get to see Phil and Lexi much during the night since they had to greet everyone and all that, but I got to congradulate them and everything. Lexi normally doesn’t really wear make up so she looked really beautiful. QQ And her dress was really nice. Lol I think my favorite part of the whole nigjt was when they danced with their parents. You know the dance where the groom dances with his mother and bride with her father and all that? Neither of them wanted to do a cheesy slow dance so they both just like….rocked out on the floor. First the DJ said Lexi and her father were gonna dance to Red Red Wine and we were all wondering how you could slow dance to that so…..it made sense once they started and it was funny as shit since she’s rocking out in this big white wedding dress. I was sad I didn’t get it on video since I couldn’t get any good pictures of it, but I took a video of Phil’s dance. It started all cheesy and slow and the song was I Hope You Dance, but just as they move it to lead each other, the song gets cut off and Everybody Dance Now starts up. Oh the lulz I had. :[

All in all, it was great and I’m super happy for them…Uh…Lol I don’t wanna keep making these ridiculously long posts. :/ I’ll wrap it up soon.

I haven’t been doing much, but things are gonna get busy very soon. I’m worried and losing sleep and all that, but I have to chill. If I panic too much about it, I’m fucked before anything even happens. ~~;;;;;;

As for my lazy-shit free time….lol, I feel so disgusting and nerdy. I’ve been watching anime when I have nothing better to do. I saw xxxHolic and the voices made me want to hang myself. However, most of the other junk I watched was okay. Lol I haven’t watched anything in ages so I felt so geeky. I’ve also been playing my PS2 games. 8[;;; I’ve had it set up for months now, but the only thing I touch every few days are my Katamari games so I thought I should try to finish my others. I’m not even near beating .Hack// GU….I think….I wanna beat it and I really wanna finish .Hack// Quarentine since…….yea. I gave up on it, but it annoys me so fucking much that I’m on the final boss. Balmung kept getting me killed. Someday thooough. And for the love of God, I’m gonna finish my P3 Bonus Chapter. <>;; Tensard already spoiled the ending, but it kind of makes me wanna see it for myself and I do love Aigis. :[ <3 After that, I’m gonna play P4……..well……..more like I’m going to put P4 on my birthday list since something tells me I’m not going to be buying anything like that for a looong time because of money issues….unless I find it cheap, but yea…doubt it. Lol….I talk as if I’m going to have time to do all this. I’ll manage after a few months maybe.

And for books! I finally finished Spring Awakening and I actually started crying at the end lol. I feel so embarassed it took me that long to finish a screen play, but I kept getting side tracked or couldn’t find the time. But yea, it was fucking depressing as hell. Actually, I cried during Moritz’s funeral a little, but I was babysitting so I had to suck it up lol. But the ending made me so sad. I knew Moritz sort of betrays Melchior as a ghost, buuut….wow lol. That was fucking upsetting and the Mask Man was…cool. I didn’t get him completely, but I guess that’s the point. But yea…..the original was so fucking different from the musical, but honestly…..I’m glad. >_>; I don’t think the original play would have gone any farther now than in its own time and the musical touched me in a different way….so I love them both….but differently. :/ And now I have to finish all my other books. I finally can focus on Porno which I’ve been enjoying. <3

Uh…Damn, I forgot what else I was going to say. I’ll stop here either way while this remains a happy post.

Nomnomnom Cobra’s new CD is so hot. <3

And I’m so out of it so…*ramblerambleramble*

Blaaaaah….This day could have been worse. :[ I’m doing horrible, I’m glad I went out. It brought my spirits up and Raven and I got shit at the mall and had a jolly day out. I got make up for the wedding tomorrow and got to talk about shit which was nice since I haven’t had any time to just splur out any random shit that needs to come out. I’ve noticed when I’m having nervous wreck days (which is most days lately, this year) I sort of run on and on and on more. But whatev. You’re used to it by now, bitch. I’d hope lol. :/ Lord knows I do it enough, but I appreciate it. But yea, I can make myself all pretty tomorrow…sort of lol. I got waterproof shit so if my eyes decide to start tearing, I won’t panic as much. Fingers crossed though. I’m excited that my love birds are finally getting married. I wanna rape my camera with more pictures of them before I finally upload the ones from Texas and the concert.

kjhweiuhf Blah I feel so unsettled. Lol, I finally took some time to open my books since I haven’t been reading. I’m back on track with my love for Spring Awakening. Lol but the point of saying that, I feel like such a pitiful soul for saying this and I don’t mean it in as in I’m gonna off myself, but I feel like Moritz. :[; I’m the funny looking kid that gets laughed at behind my back with my better looking friends that are admired more and the constant stress of failing…only it’s not school testing. But seriously lol. If I fail this, I feel like I’m better off dead than having to face my mom. The big road test is coming up….god it’s been so ugly trying to get it set up. I seriously can NOT afford to fail. I fail it and everything changes. I can’t go rush in for a job, I can’t get to my classes and will either get ripped from them and not allowed to get a job or mom has to stay out of work for a bit and….yea…..and I really can’t handle her reaction. Things somehow keep managing to get worse and worse and they’re actually even more worse today. I’m not even sure I’m comfortable getting into it, but ugh…I just need to pass to have one thing be good in our life. She’s been so wrecked and I’ve stayed really calm, but I get no sleep at night and am constantly shaking lol. And I have this crazy dream of passing the first semester with A’s and B’s too, but I’ve got such little faith in myself until it starts….Lol even grades. I am a pathetic little Moritz. I even have my own little Ilse in ways…only it’s a guy….and not a wild child in at aaall lol…and I guess not the same bond, but it’s my comparison. :/ Whatever. He thought about himself with her and then just went “IMPOSSIBLE Dx<;;” before going back to his suicide ramble. Lol it was adorable–Yes, I know I’m sick, but he really was absolutely adorable right up to his dying scene in the original…..Actually, even relationship stresses me out these days. Not to an extreme…I’m just insecure, lonely and always seem to pick people that’d make you want to laugh in my face. Makes me mildly jealous toward people…Lol anyone watch Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide? I have “stress vission.” I hope it’s just stress vission. It’s really only one big worry since if it was anything else, it wouldn’t make me think as much….and I know that made absolutely no sense, but I doubt anyone’s managed to read this far anyway. :[

Ehhh but I’m hoping once I start school (I hope), I can just focus on it. Those good grades won’t just fly at me, right? Right. I guess I’m over losing the fight. Just gotta go through with it. And I’ll be working too (I hope) so I’ll have my mind all wrapped up and busy during the day and I’ll meet new friends and some from high school and I’ll have a real schedule. Hopefully that’ll make me stop…thinking lol. Things are going to continue to suck and school will probably make it worse, but at least I’ll be getting out and getting something done. And hopefully our theory that it’ll give me more freedom is true. I work better with a schedule. Hell even eating. I’ve been eating nothing but shit lately and I’m addicted to caffine again. I’ll detox myself and get better eating habits once I’m not stuck at home with pizza-themed meals and cereal and all that crap….hopefully. And I tend to get less dependent when I’m working alone so maybe it’ll get me back on track with self esteem. I loved being able to have friends in all my classes, but I get so damn dependent lol. I won’t count myself out of it until I see how it rolls.

Rambleramble…yea, I think I still have more….I kind of don’t wanna bitch and moan too much though since I’m kind of calm and very excited for tomorrow. I’m gonna try figuring out how to go about my makeup tonight so I have an idea for tomorrow. :[ I wanna look nice for my babies’ big day.

Lol and as I said, I got back into reading Spring Awakening. After that, I’ll finally open Porno….I have a nice list of books, damn it. It feels nice. But Spring Awakening is….lol I love it so much. It’s about as amazing as the musical, but the musical was so pussied out. I don’t mind that exactly, but I just think it’s funny. Melchior was so sweet and sensitive in the musical while he was a douche in the original LOL. I honestly think they just changed him so much to avoid the audience hating his ass. He’s such a dick and like…every sensitive line he said in the musical? They were originally Moritz’s lines. 8[ Oh the lulz. He didn’t even simply ‘date rape’ Wendla like I always read. She confronts him and they’re talking and he just starts forcing himself on her. Wendla was so different in ways too though so her reaction to it wasn’t as random as I was expecting. Hanchen’s still a weirdass though and Ilse’s still adorable. Her and Moritz’s big scene was actually nailed pretty well in the musical since they shared the same bond from singing. His reaction to when she runs away seemed a little more heartbreaking though. I loved how passionate he got about her and then sort of snapped out of it and went back to his deppressing thoughts. It broke my heart though. *pathetic* I love him. QQ

Blaaah okay I got it out of my system for now. And considering how gloomy it is around here, that wasn’t the sulkiest shit I’ve puked out…..Anyone who actually read it, what is WRONG with you? :[;

God can be so hilarious! Ha ha!

Lol, that song is so adorable and makes me so content. Regina’s new album is hardcore <3 just like her others.

Nooom..I’m tired. :[ Not sure what to make of recently. I think going to the concert and the whale experience–OH RIGHT, A WHALE SPIT IN MY MOUTH. Yea. Didn’t get to talk about that because it happened after my last entry lol. But yea, the whale experience was fun and the belugas were all so cute. The trainers were cute too, but the whales…yea. QQ We had this female beluga that was all sweet and bubbly and made the best squeaky sounds. <3 And as we were walking to that section, we past the male beluga and he got all excited and started showing off and calling to us and spitting water. I loved him so much. Dx!!!

But yea! That mini vacation has helped me chill. And then today…uh….don’t know how to word it without embarassing myself or sounding too girly, but I just had a refresh of something that had been cheering me up. Which was nice considering a lot of stress and rage today. >__>; Buuut we’ll skip that since GURPS was fun for the most part. Life’s still very sucky and a pain in the ass, but eh…easier to handle when you get something to smile about, you know? I wish I could say new stresses weren’t out and about, but…..eh……honestly, I’m trying to stay numb until I HAVE to feel something about them. I worry too much about things that matter like money and school and…just…big issues. I don’t need minor things butting in until they have to. I’m eager and anxious, but I’m being a big girl. c___c; I’m just expecting the worst and hoping for the best as I always do. Hasn’t failed me yet. Last time I thought it failed me, I got all snug and cozy with Beth and didn’t go and make myself miserable. <3

But back to happy! I’m trying to fall asleep and I wanna fall asleep on a good note! Dx<;;; It finally happened….I GOT MY BOOK! Dx <3333 NOMNOMNOM My Spring Awakening one. The original screenplay. Omg lol it’s so good! QQ The characters are all more….expressive in it and Moritz is somehow capable of being 1000000 times more adorable. ;____; Melchior’s cute too, but I like him more in the musical. He’s too….different in eerie ways…though I guess that leaves him more expected of forcing himself on a girl though. But yea! I love it. c______c It’s such a good read! I’m so happy I finally have it. I’m eager for the Mask Man to come in…but I can wait! I’m just happy my patience paid off. And hey! Now I have the musical AND the play. Stfu I know I’m obsessed. Some people have anime, some porn, some sports, some general Broadway….SPRING AWAKENING’S MY THING, OKAY?! D< I can’t wait for Ilse to come in too. jkdhfiwdhio I just love it. <3

Blah there was more to talk about, but I’m sleepy and just….wanna stop while I’m not crying or something. cc; Very rare for me these days! And I hope the little thing happens again this week. ;__; It’ll keep me going. ANYWAY Night.

I’ll update this to an actual post when I’m home since it’s morning in Mohegan right now, but…

OMNOMNOMNOM JASON MRAZ. *thrustthrustthrust* THAT MAN MAKES MY LIVER QUIVER. <3

Edit: Okay! Not home, but I guess I’m stuck chilling in the hotel until it’s time to go so hey.

*humphump* The concert was fucking awesooome! Dx OMNOMNOM WOW He’s like…..ten billion times sexier than he alreeady is in person. <3_____<3 I HAD SEATS RIGHT UP FRONT. I COULD SEE THE FUCKIN’ SPIT LEAVE HIS MOUTH. (Lol I swear I’m not creepy.) But yea! He was so adorable and his voice actually sounds BETTER live! He did a bit of his opera which was cool. LOL He hits woman notes. But yea, he was amazing. He sang all of my favorite songs except Bella-Luna. ;___; And he wiggled his hips about! <333 He was dancing with himself all tango-like and sang All Night Long to make everyobe get up and dance. He’s so smokin’ hot lol. I got a TON of picture and a few videos. Lol I feel accomplished. Cameras aren’t really allowed in the shows at Mohegan and people kept getting caught and shit and asked to put theirs away….Not me. 8D I’m a sneaky little fucker. I got a ton. I guess it’s a perk to being short. WJKBLEJKJKWGV AND THE BEST PART? This made my entire fucking night LOL. I was kind of clumped in when  I tried to get closer to take a picture and he saw my camera so he moved over and posed for me. 8D The only sad part was, I was already taking a picture AS he noticed so he moved just as it went off. BUT HEY. I don’t care because you know why!? Jason Mraz gave me the gun shot gesture and winked at me! 8[ <3333 I have a picture of him doing it to me, but it’s blurred. BUT YEA. That was amazing. He noticed short little me with my lonely camera. *thrust* Lol I sound like such a girl, but screw you all! The band was really good too and for some reason one guy was carrying around…what looked like a golden…gnome…I don’t get it either.

LOL I wish I could say the opening performers were just as good, but they were total jokes. I can’t even remember their names. The first one was this wannabe rapper that tried to be super deep. Okay, I get that he had a hard life and struggled after making it to America and I don’t bash him for being proud. I’m all for people taking pride in themselves. But do you REALLY have to rap about it? LOL The dude rapped “free” with “kidney” and I’m not fucking kidding. He was so full of himself too like OMG CAN YOU FEEL ME SING WITH ME AND FEEL MY BLACKNESS. But oh well. The second guy was worse. 8D;;; He was white……and trying to be all hip and cool and suave….and rap-sang to like…hop-hop’d jazz….I have noooo fucking clue. I actually took a video of him because it was so ridiculous. He kept like…shaking his hips all gay and trying to move around the stage all smooth. Imagine Remedy trying to be a sex appealing gangster and you can see it. His “sexy” song, Booty Call was lulz worthy and made a lot of people laugh uncomfortably. Totally worth going early before Jason came on lol. 8[;;; But HEY! Once Jason Mraze came out….everything in the world was okay. LOL I felt bad for the host though. Tried SO hard to be the life of the party and get everyone pumped….no one gave a shit about him.;;; People like….would slowly stop clapping as he came out even after Jason Mraz would sing. He was a good sport though.

Omnomnom and this morning was mostly good. We didn’t eat at the place I wanted to go so I didn’t get my turkey sandwich for breakfast and ended up having eggs which never leave me happy, but I got to spend my morning with Uncle Lou and all so I’d eat news paper and still be happy. He took me into Spin Street after which is like…The Sun Coast/ FYE of Mohegan, I guess? It’s a CD, DVD type storew. He bought me Janelle Monae’s CD that I’ve wanted so so so so so so badly and Regina Spektor’s new CD. So I’m…very content lol. 8[ Got winked at by Jason Mraz and then started my new day getting the CDs of the women I’d do any day. *hump* He also bought me some bright neon orange headphones to replace my old neon pink ones I used to love so much. I was just using boring white ones that didn’t fit my ears. :/ This neon themed brand fits my ears perfect though. ;D

Lol, yes. If you couldn’t tell, I’m in the first good mood I’ve been in, in ages. I’m always happy after hanging with Uncle Lou and it makes it better when awesome things happy. 8[ AND AFTER THIS, I’M CHILLING IN A POOL OF BELUGAS IN A FEW HOURS. <333 Whales. Lol I haven’t been this over excited while in Mohegan since that time I was next to a dude from Billie Joel’s band, room-wise while he was warming up for his concert. But yea! I’m feeling good and I know things’ll probably get ugly again while I’m home, but right now, all is well and I’m foot loose and care free lulz. I have my lovlies to keep me smiling though and mind rape me with their PORN series, SICKO so everything will be alriiiiight…mostly. :[ <3

Something bad happening, but I half got good news about it so I’m gonna try and tune it out for now and take care of it like….when I actually CAN…and am not cooped in a hotel room. 8[; SO JUST HAPPY SMILES.

Lol okay I’ll shut up. <3